...finally, a post?

January 2010 is coming to an end and only NOW have I finally decided to blog again.

It's not that I don't have time, or inspiration... More like an excess of both that has held me back from blogging these few weeks.

Well, when you spend half the living daylight locked inside your room with nobody to talk to... you spend your time thinking, pondering, wondering... Until a different thought stops you. Or until you fall asleep. Even then, the thoughts come to haunt you in such vivid imagery that beats high def plasma screens anytime.

My life now revolves around tutorials, music, constant daydreaming of the past and the things to come and food. Lots and lots of food. Food is always good. Haha...

It was just the other day that I got bored, pretty much like today, when I opened Ejam's post Exams Stress. [http://blackmaji.blogspot.com/2010/01/exams-stress.html]

Exams week are a bit lonely, looking at everyone with their group together discussing things and stuff before entering the exam hall. People are just sticking together with their own kind.

And me, i just float around and just hangout with whoever is there, i dont have what they have....

hmmmm......... but looking back, i had what everyone had, but where had it all gone?

coming to think of it, i guess some people kinda evolved and are much more happier with who they are now

and for me, i guess i better just stick to floating around, maybe i do deserve it.......... floating is my life then? heh.......

Thinking further, what if i'm really2 sick, will there be anyone to actually help me around or anything?

What if i die, will there be anyone?

i just miss the old life, maybe it got a little bit carried away i guess.

well, cant fix this anymore, coz its too late and i got around 3 months of life now(in pasum). I think i better start going to the library all alone, as that its my place of serenity and where i can be alone happily.

rapid studying for final exams. its engineering in UM or Bust!

This paragraph struck me somewhere, deep, hidden within me.

It made me think. (Not that I wasn't already thinking hours and hours prior to that.)

Why am I here?

In this room?

What's with all this free time?

Did I lock the door?

Why did I lock the door?

Twice?

Am I always this paranoid?

Why am I not at my friend's room?

Where are my friends?

What are friends?

Do I have any?

I think I had some, but... what happened to them?

What happened to me?

Did... I change?

Did they change?

What did I do?

Am I at fault?

Is this permanent?

Were they just distractions?

The late nights, the endless hours of 'hanging out'?

Is this God's way of keeping me back on track?

Am I in this alone?

Is this how it all ends?

Me, alone?

Am I just... in Ejam's words... a floater?

Floating around endlessly, just stopping for short moments... only to float off again?

Will there be anybody at my wedding?

Will there be anybody at my funeral?

Damn, where did I put that miserable sheet of paper? Tutorials. -_-

I have a short attention span. Sorry. (:

Back to Ejam's post, I'd say... He is right in a way. We can't change the past. The past was real and the scars will be there to prove it, no matter how much the thought might hurt.

But you've gotta keep moving forward. No looking back.

The cheese always moves. You need to move with the cheese, or find new cheese!

(Thanks Bo, for that Cheese book. You gave it at precisely the right time. Never have I met a better psycho-psychologist. Love you!)

I feel like Wanda... the Wanderer in Stephenie Meyer's The Host. I doubt any of you have read this book, so I don't think you'd get what I mean. (I think only a selected few have managed to go through the entire Twilight saga before the movie anyway.)

I quote Wanda in The Host:

Eight full lives. Eight full lives and I've never found anyone I would stay in a planet for, anyone I would follow when they left.

It surprises me how such sudden, close acquaintances can end as abruptly as it began... and hurt me so much. I miss the good old days. Seriously. I've gotta move along, but I won't disregard everything we shared in that short period of time we were part of each other's lives.

But all in all, I've survived this long. 18 years... in and out of friendships, I've passed and failed papers, had my share of ups and downs... I've fallen to ashes and rose back up in flames a million times...

And this time around it shouldn't be any different. (:

I will make it through this final 2 months of Asasi. A seven-nation army ain't gonna bring me down. Hahahaha...

I shall now return to the solitude of my study table accompanied by a steaming mug of hot chocolate.

Feel free to comment, to encourage, to diss... Whatever. I'm wide open to opinions. Trust me, I've got ALL the time in the world to think about it. XD

Lots and lots and lots of LOVE;

XOXO;

Su.