WARNING! This may - to some - be considered a rant, and has a high probability of being misinterpreted (I've had my share of misinterpretations. I would know by now). So if you think you can't handle a rant- click the 'X' on the far right end of the screen. And that also goes if you feel that you aren't familiar with any sort of lingo I use in my blog; abbreviations, etcetera. (i.e. A/N is Author's Note. If you knew that, well, go ahead and scroll down. We're definitely speaking on equal terms.) And if you're a sensitive soul who can't handle the slightest hint of sarcasm- don't hurt yourself. Exit the page. Go to Facebook instead.
You've been warned.
Allrighty then, enough with disclaimers. Start the post already.
I hate having too much time on my hands. It makes me think; whether I'd like to or not. Staying at home has given me such amounts of time- I don't know what to do with it. There's only so many hours you could surf the internet or watch TV or play the guitar or do house chores. Then, you get bored.
Today was no different.
I tried to keep busy, to keep my mind off things... I started the morning completely fixed to the laptop screen for hours; catching the live telecast of Idol Gives Back on Fox. I ate my cereal almost too mechanically, waiting for my sister to get back. When she did get back from school, I joined her on the couch to watch TV. Then I made lunch (the wonders of instant noodles!) and waited for Mum. We were going to shop for Kak Yoh's wedding gift. I got changed. I needed to get out of the house. I needed to stretch my legs.
My trip to Mid Valley made me re-think one of my major flaws. My inability to speak up. My OVER-tolerance... How I let people walk all over me, under the fake impression that people will do the same for me if I ever needed them to do the same. Hell, I might as well go round saying Santa is real and I have a pet dragon in my backyard!
What triggered my thoughts was an incident in McD.
I cannot tolerate any form of onions. I strongly don't like onions (hate's too strong a word) and as usual, my order at McD would be a McValue set of a Big Mac with Coke and fries- minus the onions. And my box of BigMac would have a sticker on it saying "MADE FOR YOU" along with the grill receipt saying that they've made this just the way I wanted it.
But to my dismay, I opened my favourite burger- and it had my least favourite ingredient in the whole wide world (other than durian) : ONIONS. Lots and lots of them. I sighed. I read the grill receipt. They had removed the lettuce. Not the onions. Mum wasn't happy.
"I told them no onions!"
"Nah, it's okay Ma- I've touched it and all..."
Mum insisted that I go get another burger in exchange for my onion-contaminated one. I shaked my head and removed the onions thoroughly.
Mum went on about how it was my right to get the burger I had ordered. If was a burger without onions- I should have gotten a burger without onions. Nothing less. It was my RIGHT.
But I simply told Mum that I was fine with it. The kitchen crew must've gone through much to make this burger just for me in the middle of a busy lunch hour- I didn't want to be a nuisance. It was a RM10 burger they were going to throw away just because I didn't get the one I want. I didn't quite like the thought. I was hungry too.
"Well, it's your call. If it was me, I'd SO get a new burger." Mum concluded.
Well, that was exactly my problem. I think too much (YA THINK? Duh.), I over-analyze and I simply don't have the guts to speak up. Who cares if I'm on the receiving end of things.
This incident got me thinking all the way back to PJ.
Just when I thought I'd forget about it, my Mum and I were on conference call with my sister, Ana. Ana was going on about how she might not get back to KL in time for Kak Yoh's wedding because some kids on her school trip haven't gotten on the bus according to schedule. She told us she might be delayed. It was a 3 hour drive from Kuantan to KT, without stopping. Mum wanted to call up her trip coordinator. I immediately said no.
Mum looked at me, astonished.
I explained how it would be a long trip back and confronting the teacher just because Ana needs to arrive in KT earlier than the other kids would make her look mengada and all...
Then Mum cut in and explained that she had PLANNED Ana's trip back to KL every waking minute so she could make it to Kak Yoh's wedding. She explained how she had bought the tickets and how cheated she felt because the teachers had earlier confirmed that they would make it back in KT by 9pm (now delayed to 11pm. That's when Ana's bus to KL departs.) And Ana hasn't even packed for KL.
I fell silent.
"Go ahead and call up her teacher then. I couldn't do it if it was me."
When I got home and got in front of my laptop- that's when I saw how this flaw of mine had effected me so far.
I had lost a number of friends over something like this. Me being too nice. Letting myself go too far out without rooting myself to the ground below. Saying too much. Saying too little. I'd go out of my way to keep in sync with their rhythm, sometimes I slipped. But I never said nothing much. The best I've done to say anything is to not say anything. Habis marah pun, I'd rant on my blog. Or a status update. Up to interpretation.
But one thing about me- nobody ever sees me angry or sad. It's a rare sight. Makey once told me;
"Damn Su, I wish I were you. No troubles... So happy, smiling all the time. Bila yang ko TAK senyum?"
I smiled at her statement. She had no idea. Back to my story...
These friends of mine were not just ordinary friends of mine- these were my chums. My besties, my sisters from a different parentage! Whatever you may call it. We shared our clothes, we slept in each other's rooms and we never spent the day without each other. We spent the weekends day-dreaming about an uncertain future, the weeknights dancing away like there's no tomorrow (padahal homework berlambaaak... xD) And we would text each other over the smallest of things, share our every thought... You get the idea. We were inseperable.
That was a long time ago.
Our split was obvious. I was the loner bitch who left the group. Not the girl being left out over a misunderstanding (of which she NEVER knew about.) I went back to being a floater while they became a new family. I admit, I was hurt. Everytime we met, I was the stranger who had to say 'Hi!' before I could actually be noticed.
But hell, I never had the chance to speak up- neither did I have the guts to speak up. I never found out WHY they avoided me or why I never made the effort to re-connect with them. Instead I chose this solitary path for myself. Now I'm moping around, spilling my guts out to the world on the internet.
Wow, Su. Great job. It's all your fault.
Tu lah, pandai sangat- sakit hati je: Blog. Instead of going straight to the effing point- pusing punya pusing- serupa Tamil Nesan. Dah la tu, pakai English yang orang tak faham, mula ah orang speculate macam2. Yang effect-nya kat kau. Aduuuuuhhhhh... Len kali, you either shut up or stick it to the point. SPEAK UP, SU. If people don't know what's wrong, how the hell are the supposed to know?
I've learnt my lesson the hard way.
My dear friends, I know you're out there. I still don't know why things turned out the way they did, but for whatever reason that's fault is mine to bear- forgive me. That's the least that I can expect of you. You guys have tolerated me for so long, it's understandable that you guys might never talk to me again.
Like I've said. I've learnt my lesson. A friendship- like any other relationship- needs communication to work. It needs compromise. Not everyone can accept a homo-loving, head-banging, sarcastic girl like me.
And I've gotta learn to trust my own voice.
-Su, out.
P/S: Sorry for the angsty post. Is the full moon approaching? Must be. xD
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