Moving forward.

Success. 

(Credits to the comic artist.)

Being the "top student" in my class, people often think that I've got it all. 

They think that I know everything. They think that I have everything handed to me in a silver platter. Scholarship money, knowledge, everything. They think that I will get everything that I want eventually with little or no effort at all. They automatically stereotype me under: nerdy-teacher's-pet-with-kick-ass-grades-minus-the-studying. And with these misconceptions, they put themselves under pressure, feeling like they need to work ten times harder to be at my level. 

What people need to understand is that the above statements are exactly what they are: MISCONCEPTIONS.

I work just as hard as everyone else and truth be told I was not always on top. 

I did not pass my PTS. I made it through SPM with just 5A1s, 3A2s and 2B3s. My A1s being the core subjects like English and BM; my A2s being elective subjects like Physics and Biology. I graduated PASUM with a 2.89 CGPA (three best subjects. My final semester GPA was 2.2-something.) I did not get offered a spot in any local institutions. 

I remembered how I cried in front of my Mom's laptop that morning. It was hard. I remember hugging my sisters, silently whispering apologies in their ears for not being able to be a better role model for them to follow. Their big sister was a failure. Couldn't even get admitted into a public university. 

While everyone else was busy preparing to go to university for the first time, I was stuck at home, pondering my future (and watching the World Cup finale.) 

To apply for university again, I had to fill out the online forms again. But this time, I was only given two options to fill out. 

Applying for the Geology Programme in UM was already out of the question. My parents were lecturers there at the time and they said that entrance was tough at this point. And my pointer was not exactly promising. No matter how much I loved geology, it wasn't enough to get me a spot. Love can only take you so far. Grades are your real tickets to the big time. 

That's when my parents suggested that I try out UKM's Geology Programme. Or the Computer Science Programme in UM since programming was pretty much the only subject I managed to ace in PASUM. 

I didn't think much of it. I was still kind of bummed over the fact that I did not get admitted into any university. I asked a few friends here and there and most of them said that maybe I should give up on my Geology dreams and just go for the more realistic option, Computer Science.

But those closest to me would know that I really, really do love Geology. How could I just give up on something I love without even having a chance to give it a try?

So it was final. Computer Science, UM or Geology, UKM. 

I hit the 'Submit' button with a sigh. Que sera sera. Whatever will be, will be.

Almost more than a week had passed and I still had not gotten any offer letter. Classes had started in universities nationwide at this point. I was taking classes in UM (unregistered) to make sure that I don't miss out on anything had I been offered the Geology Programme in UKM. I'm officially screwed, I thought. Rejected twice by the government? Now that's just great. 

Seeing as to how distressed I was, Mama and Abah called up the people in charge in UM and UKM to try and ask about my appeal. Good news. Both universities had received my appeal. And they were both going to offer me a spot in their respective programmes. The letters were ready. If I had chosen Computer Science, my offer to take up Geology would be called off; vice-versa. 

I was lucky that Mama and Abah called just in time. This unexpected turn of events meant that the choice was now in my hands. Which one did I want more?

GEOLOGY. Of course I wanted Geology. 

The rest, as they say, is history. 

So here I am today, buried in notes, preparing for my finals. I spent two hours on the drawing above, trying to make sense of where I've been in hopes that it would help me find out where I'm headed. 

It has been many, many years since the day Mama told me that the rocks I used to kick by the roadside were granite. My first rock. Granite. 

I've now come to learn that there are more rocks out there with many different names, made up of many different minerals and they've come from many different places from different processes. I've held many rocks in my hands. I've cut my fingers on schist and I've fallen on massive granite and torn my raincoat while hiking a quartz ridge.

My journey in this field has been nothing less than magical. 

So, how have I managed to succeed as I have right now? Honestly? I don't know. There's a higher power working it's magic right here and I'm just merely a chess piece in this universal game. I don't know how I get to certain stages half of the time, but I'm grateful for every second, no matter how they turn out. 

But if I had to give a reason, I'd say that the reason is LOVE. 

Cheesy, I know. But you can't deny that love is a powerful, powerful thing. If you love something bad enough, you would do anything in your power to get it and get it right. And when you love something, God will know exactly how much you want it and He will help you out. 

God has helped me through a lot of things. That's for sure. I have constantly been turned down just as many times as I have been brought up to the top. 

Life is a vicious cycle. You are never always on top. But I'm not going to waste my time waiting for my downfall. I'm going to work hard to keep going and keep achieving while it lasts. And when the time comes when I do fall, I will be ready to climb back up because I know that I can climb back up.

I've fallen before, I can pick myself up. 

I can't say that I'm not afraid of the future. Honestly, I'm terrified. I'm just saying that I'm ready for whatever the future holds for me; be it for better or for worse. I know God wouldn't burden me with anything I couldn't handle.

God has lead me in all the right directions up until now. 

I hope that whatever it is I choose to write in this box would be the right choice for me.

InsyaAllah, amin.

(:

P/S: 

Sorry for the word vomit! It's just one of those days where I suddenly feel like typing out a gazillion words, non-stop. Sorry. Must be the hormones. 

But if you're still interested in reading some more...

Here's a full description of my drawing. The drawing was made on plain A4, with a 0.2mm drawing pen and Swan colour pencils. Each panel in the drawing shows various Geology-related scenes throughout my life. 

ROW 1 (Left to right)

* Me helping Mama read out some resistivity data by Tasik UM. I think I was 5 or 6 at the time.

* I have always been fascinated by volcanoes as a child. I was excited to know that there were people who studied volcanoes for a living - Volcanologists. The scene on TV that I drew is a volcanologist taking a sample from flowing lava. (:

* Crystalline quartz found behind my mum's office. I was 8. It was poking out between the grass in the flower beds.

* I used to scribble old copies of seismographs as a kid. Haha. 

ROW 2 (Left to right)

* Volcano science project! Standard 5. We had pink lava. :D

* I used to play with Mama's magnifying lens all the time. She kept it in her desk drawer, top right corner.

* Some of the fossils Mama had in her office. My first fossils. A leaf and some trilobites.

* Mama's hand lens

ROW 3 (Left to right)

* When I was in Form 3, I had spoken in front of the class for both my English and BM oral presentations on my ambition of becoming a Volcanologist. My BM teacher thought I was unrealistic as there were no volcanoes in Malaysia. She also said that I was better off doing something more useful for the country. My English teacher on the other hand was fascinated and she totally asked me to go for it. 

* My rejected university application.

* Mama's compass and some random hand-lens we found lying around.

* Mama's hammer, which I now bring to all my field trips

ROW 4 (Left to right)

* The cephalopod fossil I found during my Northeast Peninsular Malaysia field trip. It was a near-perfect sample, found by chance.

* How I decided on my majoring! Well, not completely. I already had a clear idea of what I wanted to do in my head. But this just helped to push me to finally write it down on paper.

* Me standing in front of the board in my Germany (Away) jersey, trying to decide on what to choose as my dissertation project. I was still feeling great from Germany's win over Netherlands, so I thought it would help a bit with my mood in choosing the right title. Haha. :D

*A question mark. Hmmm.What will the future bring?

Thank you for reading, everyone. 

Gute nacht, Assalamualaikum.