2013.

I'm going to kick-off this year's set of posts with an open apology.

Why? Because I'm socially awkward and I apparently can't tell right from wrong in friendships - so here's me, trying to apologize, like a normal person.

Anybody who knows me well enough would know that I suck at apologizing. I refuse to apologize for anything that I feel is right. I refuse to apologize when people tell me I'm wrong, because somewhere in my mind - I'm always right. I'm impulsive. I do things at the moments I intend to do it, the way I intend to do it.

Maybe it's just how I was hard-wired to be. Any astrologer would tell you how Leos are hot-headed, stubborn, moody, egotistical b****es; but no one had to tell you that - because you're my friend. No, scratch that, you are my best friend. Even not knowing my star sign, you'd probably know that from how I react on a day-to-day basis. And I thank the good Lord that you have the patience to keep up with me. Because I know I couldn't keep up with myself.

And because you have been my best friend these past few years, I was hoping for - I don't know - a more understanding you? I mean, you of all people would probably understand the way I do what I do. Yes, I get angry sometimes. I get easily annoyed. But I don't take things to heart. You of all people would know that I couldn't stay angry at someone for long, even if I wanted to.

I know you wanted to keep this between us, but hey, since apparently the whole world thinks I'm the villain in this story - I might as well put it out there for them to read it too. It's funny how things are supposed to be a secret between two people when it has already been shared with at least two more other people. I know you guys know. I've seen how you've given me looks in the hallways and how you talk about me when I'm not listening. I know you're reading this now because I'm sure the moment I link this, she'll link it up to you guys to read. (:

To be honest, I don't even know why we aren't talking to each other anymore.

Why aren't we talking to each other anymore?

When did we even start getting angry at each other? Heck, I know I have terrible memory - but I seriously can't recall any misunderstandings right before the exams to have you treat me this way. It's understandable that everyone goes missing during study week to focus in their own little world - even I have my own study groups, it's normal - but to stop talking altogether?

I. Just. Don't. Get. It.

And it hurts. It hurts a lot. It feels like a moment, we were the best of friends - calling each other up, texting, tweeting, hanging out - and the next, like strangers. It feels like you've cut me out of your life and I don't even know what has gone wrong. I try talking to you. But sometimes, I just stop trying, because honestly? You look happier somehow with me out of the picture. And after being told over and over again that maybe I'm the one who started this rift, seeing you happy with them somehow made me believe those words.

So, maybe I am the problem. Apparently everyone seems to believe so. I'm starting to believe so.

Because of that, I'd like to apologize for everything wrong I have or haven't done to you. I don't know what it is that I have done to have you not talk to me, but apparently it's something bad - and I'm sorry.

And I don't understand why it is that you're apologizing to me. Yes, I get annoyed with half of the things you do. But usually I just brush them off, because I understand that that's just the way you are and I couldn't change that. Because isn't that what friends do? They accept each other for who they are - the good and the bad? It's the little things that make you, you.

I'm sorry this took so long to reply your text. 160 characters in a text message is too short to tell you what I've had bottled up inside. And I couldn't come up to you and tell this to your face without sobbing uncontrollably the way I'm doing now. Hahaa. I look horrible when I cry and you wouldn't understand half the words I say. So, uhm, yeah.

Again, I'm sorry.

Happy New Year 2013, everyone.
Forgive. Forget. Heal. Move on.

Lots of love,
Su.

P/S: Kata best friends forever? Geng hebat kan? Hahaa. Takkan orang cakap sikit pun goyang beb. Lek sudaa. I tak marah pun. Sayang kamu ketat-ketat. Like you said ah, final year dah pun. Haha. Gaduh-gaduh buat apa? See you when I see you. Good luck untuk last paper. (: